The Half Blood Prince A Parody
by Super Tinfoil Man Part 2
Summary: Ingredients - 1 Harry Potter.  2. Dumbledore  3. Hagrid  4. Others.    Put all characters inside a bowl then add sprinkles of magic, pour in some gags and heat at 400 degrees for 45 minutes.Let cool R&R.
1. Chapter 1

**Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - A Parody - **

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By _Super_Tinfoil_Man part2 - _

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**AN - I do not own Harry Potter or any of the related Potter content in this story. **

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**AN - Go Leafs Go. Story might contain unsafe, dangerous content for kids. **

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**Chapter 1 - Chapter 1 - Extreme Championship Edition - **

**When will this madness end ? It was I, the blackness of b****lack, who turned on the BBQ that killed my entire family. I sued the company but they said that the propane never explodes like that, they blamed it on me ! But alas, this tale of magic and mystery is not about the narrator introducing the story to the readers, its about a boy-who-can't be-named Harry Potter. **

**Lets zoom in on that London office where unsuspecting Muggles are slaving away with paperwork, they seem oblivious to a swirling funnel cloud heading toward The Millennium Falcon Bridge. **

" So then my wife said…." The London office worker suddenly caught a glance of the dark funnel swirl heading toward the bridge named after Han Solo's space ship. All the workers jumped up to the window and watched the strange tornado destroy the bridge.

" Weird huh ? So anyway, she kept saying that I…"

**Now let's fly over to a house somewhere, what's this ? Its inside the house now, its raining pretty bad outside, (sniff ) (sniff) I need some underarm deodorant, we see the back of a newspaper yapping about …GUESS ! Harry Potter….the newspaper lowers to reveal Severus Snape ! **

" Run along, worm guy. " Snape waved his hand as the women entered. He filled up three glasses of some really awesome wine called _Really Awesome Wine_, vintage 1902.

" I've nowhere else to turn Severus . " Narcissa said a little too desperately.

" There's plenty of room here to turn around, you're not that fat. " Snape muttered rudely, then tossed her one of the glasses of wine, she juggled it as wine spilled on her dress.

" That was rude. " Bellatrix said as she caught her wine glass easily. Snape smirked then downed his portion quickly.

" I know I ought not be here, the Black Lord forbids me to speak of it…" Narcissa started.

" He's the Dark Lord stupid, not the Black Lord. " Severus sighed as he sat back down and picked up the newspaper.

" Draco, wands and taking your word. " Narcissa muttered.

" Things and other boring things. " Severus muttered, mutteringly.

" Taking your word, protection and other fun things that are dark and fun. " Bellatrix bambled on. They all babbled on like this for the next ten minutes, then something weird happened. Then it happened again and again.

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**At an underground train station…..**

Here at _The Eating Place, _bored patrons sat around reading different newspapers. A waitress wandered over to one of the patrons and eyed his newspaper, the patron lowered the paper to reveal….**HARRY POTTER ! **

" Harry Potter ? Who's Harry Potter ? " The waitress asked Harry Potter.

" Didn't you see the first few movies ? " Harry asked her as she leaned over him to remove all the garbage he left on the table, he eyed her smooth skin, her slightly freckled neck, her perfectly round breasts, her nice hands, her unwashed hair ? WTF ?

" Funny that paper of yours, a couple of nights ago I could swear that I could see some of the pictures move. " The dirty haired, perfectly round breasted waitress said conversationally.

" Really. " Harry responded.

" Ya, thought maybe I'd gone nuts. " She said cleaning up more stuff. When she stopped cleaning...she was done ? WTF ?

" Hey…" Harry is completely cut off by her.

" I get off at eleven. " She said strangely then walked back to the bar.

Harry glanced over at the arriving train, he could see Dumbledore appearing eventually as the train flew past. Harry got up and made his way to the other side of the landing platform, Dumbledore was eyeing an advertisement.

" I once knew a Muggle girl with hair like stringed cow shit. No light could penetrate it. You've been reckless this summer Harry. " The great wizard folded his old arms.

" I like riding around on trains. " Harry responded.

" Are you on drugs or something ? " Dumbledore lashed out in anger.

" N-N-No sir ! Not lately ! " Harry stammered.

" I'm here talking to you about women and you respond with - I like riding around on trains - what the hell is wrong with you ? " Dumbledore leaned in close to check out Harry's pupils.

Brack ! Dumbledore stood back from the strange farting sound coming from Harry.

" I just Apparated , didn't I ? " Harry asked.

" No, " Dumbledore put his hand on the boy's shoulder, " we call that -farting- in Hogwarts. "

He then grabbed Harry and they both disappeared in a wave of special effects, they swirled around and around in nothingness until the world appeared again inside a village square. The great wizard led Harry up some dark streets, past houses with special effects marked on them.

" Welcome to the charming village of Budlight Babberton Harry. I assume you're wondering why I've brought you here, am I right ? " Dumbledore asked.

" I was wondering, since you kidnapped me and all. " Harry responded, Dumbledore was unimpressed. He glanced at the small stone house in front of them.

" Wand out Harry. " Dumbledore commanded.

" No ! I knew it ! I'm not taking out my _wand_ you creepy old man ! " Harry whimpered.

" No jerk, your magic wand you use to cast spells. God, what an idiot. " The great wizard rolled his old eyes.

Harry and Dumbledore entered the old dirty house, the old wizard called out for Horace with no response. Dumbledore used the flashlight spell to illuminate the hallway, it was really scary in this place. There was a scary grandfathers clock lying in a scary, broken way on the floor, a scary newspaper being scary fluttering away near the creepy window.

Dumbledore let out a war cry then turned and jabbed his wand into the chair next to him.

" Oh Jesus ! Right in the cock ! " Horace instantly transformed from a chair into an older guy, he rubbed his crotch as he stared at his new visitors.

" You make a very convincing arm chair Horace. " Dumbledore smiled.

" What gave me away ? " Horace asked.

" You still have trouble transforming your testicles Horace, I thought the arm chair with balls was a big giveaway. " Dumbledore gave a mock jab at Horace's nuts, his friend flinched.

" Horace, I'm sure you know who THIS IS ! " Dumbledore spun around twice presenting the-boy-who-can't-be-named-right-now.

" I-I-It-it-it-it can't be, can it ? " Horace could barely speak.

" The one and ONLY ! " Dumbledore spun around twice again.

" The legendary…." Horace whispered.

" The chosen one….." Dumbledore added.

" The hero of heroes. " Horace's voice quivered.

" Oh for shit sakes, I can't take all this glorified character whoring anymore ! " Harry screamed, his glasses flew off.

The three of them stood silent for a moment. The room was quiet now, except for the ticking of the grandfather clock, but the clock was broken so it couldn't be ticking, so it was really silent, no sounds, get it ?

" The king of kings. The Icon. " Horace continued.

" I give up. " Harry quit as he searched for his glasses.

" This place could use a tidying up. Slob. " Dumbledore raised his wand and used the force to clean the place up with magic.

" Now, do you mind if I take a piss ? " Dumbledore asked. Horace raised his arm and pointed to the washroom while his gaze never left HARRY POTTER ! Dumbledore thanked Horace, then the great wizard pissed on the floor.

" You look like your father, but you've got your mothers…" Horace talked but his gaze never left Harry Potter.

" Eyes, I know, I have my mothers eyes. " Harry sighed again.

" ….no, you have her tits. " Horace breathed.

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To be continued….


	2. Meeting Ron and Hermione

_**Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - A Parody - **_

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_Chapter 2 - Meeting Ron and Hermione - _

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" This is Seriously **Black**. " Harry said with surprise as he looked at a class picture.

" Sirius Black. " Horace corrected.

" Seriously ? " Harry's eyes glanced over at Dumbledore who was gaping at a knitting magazine, Horace followed the boys eyes to the old man giving Harry the perfect opportunity to swipe the picture and hide it inside his shirt.

" We should go. " Harry smiled, Dumbledore stood then they walked out the door. Horace agreed to come back to Hogwarts before they left.

Dumbledore and Harry walked down the street in long silence. The old man started to hum a tune then stopped walking, then he stopped humming a tune. " I fear I have stolen a wonderful night from you Harry, she was pretty, truthfully. "

" I usually like riding near the front of the train. " Harry nearly whispered.

Dumbledore smacked his forehead then sighed. " You don't have to worry about the girl with the dirty hair anymore tonight boy. "

" But sir ! What about Hedwig ? And my trunk …. " Harry's realisation was realised.

" Both are waiting for you. " Dumbledore smiled.

" Wait a second. You went through my stuff ? Again ! Oh this is just great, the last time you did that I was missing three pairs of my favourite underwear. " The boy-who-might-or-might-not-be-the-chosen-one said in frustration.

" Shut the hell up you little shit ! " Dumbledore said as he grabbed Harry by the back of the hair. Suddenly, Harry was in the void of nothingness again, swirling around and around, distant noises from the street were replaced by a loud scream of wind in his ears, then as quickly as he entered the void, he exited on the front lawn of the crooked Weasley household.

" Sir ? " Harry asked, looking around the grounds, there was no sign of Dumbledore. _I will be with you Harry, always. _

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Ginny calmly fell down the long staircase towards the kitchen area of the Weasley home. She got up and brushed herself off, that's when she noticed the large trunk and the owl cage. She creamed for her mom, sorry, she screamed for her mom.

" What is it Ginny ? Is it your father ? Has something happened at the ministry ? Has he been kidnapped ? Was he crushed and burned underneath a flaming furnace ? Did he mistakenly cheat on me with a dragon and eaten alive ? Did he watch The Ring and get a phone call then die seven days later from a strange Chinese woman climbing through the television ? Did he fall asleep guarding a teenager while she was in dreamland trying to catch Freddy Krueger ? " Mrs. Weasley yelled from the top of the stairs.

" Worse ! He auditioned for America's Got Talent as a mime of all things. " Ginny called back. Mrs. Weasley screamed in horror.

" I'm joking you dumb wench ! " Ginny laughed.

" You are worse than those two mistakes Fred and George. " Mrs. Weasley yelled, but without emotion this time.

" I was just wondering when Harry got here, his trunk and owl are here. " Ginny called out glancing at both items.

" Did you say Harry was here ? " Ron called down.

" Apparently he's wandering around the house somewhere. " Ginny responded.

" Really ? " Hermione said opening a bathroom door nearby, she was in a blue robe with toothpaste smeared all over her face for some strange reason.

" Really. " Hermione responded, standing in the door to the kitchen wearing a bright red dress.

Hermione and Ginny spun around and gave Hermione a huge hug, Ron and the others ran down the stairs to join them. They all laughed as they hugged. Ron scratched his head in confusion as he visually counted three Hermione's with his finger.

" But why didn't you tell us you were coming ? " Mrs. Weasley asked shaking her head and smiling.

" Mom, " Ron breathed, " w-which Hermione are you talking to ? "

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**Several confusing hours later, way up in the completely dangerous attic….. **

" When you'd get here ? " Harry asked ( the now only ) Hermione as he **threw** **another long on the** **fire** ? WTF ? Why was Harry Potter hiding in the attic building a fire of all things ?

" Wasn't sure I _was_ coming. " Hermione said as she glanced in Ron's direction. But Ron was busy playing his Playstation 3.

" What are you playing Ron ? " Harry stood up and walked over to his bestest best friend in the world ignoring that bitch Hermione. Sorry, that was harsh, let me word it differently. Harry stood up and walked over to his bestest best friend in the world ignoring that filthy whore Hermione. Hmm, that was harsh too, lets just move on.

" Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince - The Video Game- " Ron responded deep in concentration as he pressed the buttons on his controller.

" Brilliant, I'm sure the marketing department would be proud calling it - The Video Game - Kids aren't that goddamn stupid. Where are you now in the game ? " Harry leaned over to see. But Ron stopped playing, on the screen Harry's character was leaning over Ron Weasley watching him play a video game.

" Press a button. " Harry whispered, then watched in horror as the Ron character in the game pressed a button on the controller.

" Can we _please_ move on here you boobs ! " Hermione screamed by the now raging fire consuming most of that side of the attic.

" See ? " Ron pointed at the screen, " she's screaming in there too ! "

" I'm scared. " Harry was frozen in his tracks.

Harmione calmly walked over and destroyed the television.

" Smash ! " The television said, violently.

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**Meanwhile…in the very same time and place…. **

" Mom's been going kind of batty lately, saying we should stay away from Hogwarts. That its too dangerous. " Ron said poking at the raging inferno with a tree branch.

" Ya, my muggle parents are the same way. " Hermione added.

" Oh come _on _! We cheated death at _least_ a half dozen times in our first bloody year at Hogwarts, how in the (BEEP ! ) does this year make any difference ? " Harry raged.

" Anyway, Dad stepped in and gave her a good beating with the broom handle. He then threw her in the basement for two days, she finally came around. " Ron said with little enthusiasm.

" Were talking about Dumbledore, didn't he once drug one of the students and tie him to the bottom of the lake just for a contest ? " Harry laughed, then shuttered at the memory.

" There's been a lot of chatter lately, that he's gotten…..old. " Hermione said, glancing at the burning beams of wood falling to the floor.

" Rubbish, he's only….what ? " Harry asked looking from Ron to Hermione.

" A hundred and fifty, give or take one hundred years. " Ron stated as he shifted a little closer to Hermione as a new fire broke out behind him.

Harry nodded. They sat for a moment in silence in the thick smoke. Harry violently busted out laughing, accidentally head butting Ron right in the face, splitting his nose wide open. They all started to laugh and roll around on the floor like a bunch of laughing…things ? Things that laugh a lot ? Hmm, let me try that again. They all started laughing and rolling around on the floor while Ron's nose squirted blood in all directions, yeah. That's a bit better.

They continued to laugh and roll around on the floor, Hermione rolled too far and fell down the trap door. Harry and Ron stood up holding their stomachs.

" Remember the time when you said that Dumbledore was a hundred and fifty years old, give or take one hundred years ? " Harry scream laughed, sending his glasses off into the thick smoke.

" Ha ha ! Good times ! Good times ! " Ron scream laughed as well.

Suddenly the burning attic floor gave way, the crash was loud and violent. Sparks and flaming planks flew everywhere as Harry and Ron vanished downwards into the inferno of flame and wreckage.

_To be continued….._

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_NEXT TIME ON __**HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE ! **_

_DID HARRY AND RON SURVIVE THE HORRIBLE BURNING ATTIC DISASTER ? _

" Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder ? " Harry Potter asked, holding up the item while Ron tripped over a stack of dirty magazines in the background.

_HOW WILL RON ( WHO MIGHT BE DEAD ! ) RESPOND TO A FLIRTATIOUS COME ON FROM LAVENDER BROWN ? _

" Hi. " Ron responded nervously.

_WILL HERMIONE SOMEHOW GET LOST IN TOWN ? _

Hermione walked nervously through the alley, something scary flew high up over her head. She was clearly lost.

_WILL THE __**MAN OF STEEL **__MAKE AN APPEARANCE ? _

" Great Scott ! " Superman yelled as he entered the ruined building. He had finally found his mentor, Scott Darnan.


	3. Chapter 2  Part 2

**Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - A Parody - **

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**Chapter 3 - Chapter 2 -part 2 - **

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**W**easley Wizard Wheezes, a shop unlike any other in the world. Located in the center of town, the magic shop was a busy place to be. Customers threw stuff around and tried new items on each other in mass confusion. Some idiot had the gall to start firing off fireworks inside the store ! As a fly we detach from the wall and activate our wings, we fly right towards two boys yelling from a higher platform to the masses. We barely dodge the extreme heat of a nearby firework explosion, then a stray boomerang. We land on the shoulder of Fred Weasley, who quickly squashes us with his hand as he yells, we are now dead. Good for us.

" Step up, step up ! " The Weasley brothers yelled in unison.

" We've got Fainting Nancy…" George screamed.

" Diabetes Nougats …" Fred said, loudly.

" And just in time for school…." George set up his brother.

" Exploding ass gum ! " Fred roared. A small boy was chewing just that product, his face turned a shade of white as he quickly put a hand over his arse. The Weasley brothers provided a portable toilet, they set it on the stage so the kid could poop in front of hundreds of customers. The brothers did double front flips and landed next to Harry Potter.

" What do you think Harry ? " Fred asked, soon after landing.

" Amazing. " Harry smiled as he took in his surroundings. The brothers started to show Harry around the shop, they slapped every second kid as they tried to pocket some of the products.

" Damn thieves. " Fred scowled as he repeatedly slammed a boys head into the nearby shelf.

Harry started playing with a Harry Potter action figure with _amazing Karate' Chop action ! _" Wait a second, I don't do any Karate' chops. "

Ginny and Hermione were browsing around the bra section when George did a cartwheel in front of them as an entrance to conversation.

" Are you currently dating Tomas Kaberle ? " George asked Ginny.

Harry dropped to his stomach and crawled on his belly under a shelf to hear the conversation, despite everyone clearly knowing exactly where he was. What a ninja he is.

" These are adorable. " Hermione interrupted as she eyed the furless stink pigs. The small pig like creatures ran around the cage, shitting like crazy.

" Yes, they kind of look like Ron, isn't that curious ? " Fred laughed.

Ron did a back flip into the conversation, those Weasley's are agile, " How much for that wooden thing over…"

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**Minutes later…outside…..**

**T**he sun faded over a large iron arch with the words _SHUT UP _inscribed in fancy lettering near the top of the arch, they walking into Shut Up Alley. Harry, Ron and Her-Mi-One Kanobi walked through the area, noticing the boarded up shops, the _GO_ _AWAY_ posters and the boarded up shops. Did I mention the boarded up shops ? There were some.

" How is it that Fred and George do so well when everything is closed down around here ? " Hermione asked looking around at the boarded up shops.

" Why did my conversation get cut off comple…" Ron started.

" I suppose everyone needs a laugh. " Harry mumbled looking at a poster of Bellatrix, she had a half mocking smile that he hated.

" Oh. No. Look. " Hermione pointed to Ollivander's Wand Shop.

" What ? " Ron asked, looking around.

" Look. " Hermione pointed at the wand shop.

" What is it ? " Ron asked, oblivious.

" THE WAND SHOP ! ITS IN FRIGGIN RUINS YOU BLOODY TIT ! " Harry screamed red faced, sending his glasses popping off again.

A few meters away, Draco Malfoy and Narcissa stopped, then looked around before running into an alley. Draco appeared again, he looked around again, then did a side ninja roll back into the alley. He slowly peered around the corner into view again, before popping his head back into the alley out of sight. Draco jumped out again with his hands held up in Karate' chop fashion. " Don't follow us ! " He screamed at nobody before vanishing back into the alley.

" Is it me, or do Draco and mummy don't want to be followed. " Ron asked his friends.

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The trio started off to follow Draco into the dark streets and alleys. Harry and Ron decided to be pricks and ditch Hermione. She lagged way behind and lost the boys. Harry and Draco ducked down near a window to watch the ongoings. They saw Ron and Narcissa enter Borgin and Burkes. A stooped man pointed to a cabinate, Ron walked over to it and rubbed his finger on the top. He yelped and held his finger, he ran to Narcissa who pulled out a splinter. The stooped man then held open a curtain, Narcissa and Ron walked through it out of sight.

" What're they playing at ? " Draco asked in a husked whisper.

" Dunno, lets get closer. " Harry responded, respondingly.

Draco then snugged up closer to Harry's side. Harry shoved him away, " I meant to the action, not each other you boob. Wait a second ! You're supposed to be RON not DRACO ! This is retarded. I quit. " Harry then walked away. Draco walked into the shop to replace Ron, Ron appeared then kneeled down wondering where Harry and Hermione went.

Just then Harry's replacement arrived.

" Hulk Hogan ? Brilliant. " Ron rolled his eyes at the sight of The Hulkster dressed up like Harry Potter, with glasses and all.

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**Hulk Hogan and The Half Blood Prince - A Parody - By **_Super Tinfoil Man Part 2 - _

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**Chapter 1 **- _A new beginning -_

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" Harry, where is she ? " Ron asked, looking around.

" I don't know brother ! I got turned around ! " Harry growled, over acting like crazy and suddenly bulked up.

Herminone snuck up to the other side of the shop and watched some stange ritual going on inside. A hand grabbed her shoulder, she grabbed the hand and gave the mysterious figure a hip toss right on his head.

" Sorry Harry ! " Herminone gasped as she realised she hip tossed The-Chosen-Immortal-One.

Harry convulsed on the ground when Ron appeared. " Bloody hell, what did you do to Harry ? " Herminone apologised. Harry was still convulsing on the ground, he then reached out with his arm, seeming to plead with someone, trying to gain energy from his Harrymaniacs ?

Herminore reached down to help Harry to his feet but he shrugged her off, she tried again but he started shaking, he stood up shaking and tearing his black cloak off, Herminone touched his shoulder but he swiped her hand away then pointed right at her face. " You ! "

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**Many hours later….on the train to Hogwarts…**

Harry ( Now with the returning actor whats-his-face ) Ron and Herminone sat together on the train.

" You know, " Harry started, " there is another side to the car. " He pushed his friends off his lap.

" Stop Harry, I know where your going with this. Herminone said, screwing up the sentence completely. " She said, screwing it up.

" What's she talking about ? " Ron asked, taking a seat next to The-girl-He-Likes-but-is-afraid-to-show-his-feelings-to-her-because-he-thinks-it-might-lead-to-the-dark-side-of-the-force.

" It's happened, " Harry said, trying to look scary, " he's one of them. "

" One of who ? " Ron asked stupidly, in the stupid way he does. Why is he so stupid ?

" What Harry is trying to say …..(sniff) ….what he's saying is…(sniff) (sniff) …oh my god. Who the hell farted ? " Herminone said in disgust as she grabbed her nose.

" If you smelt it, you dealt it. " Ron said in a matter of fact way.

Harry's eyes started to water from the turnip and rotten egg combination of smells. He had decided that it had to be Herminone and Ron who farted, both silent. The layer of steam on their side of the car windows and the combination of smells confirmed it. He suspected something earlier when they both had that pushing baby smiles on their faces.

" I need to go outside and get some air. " Harry choked then left the car. He walked down the aisle then opened another door, he then got caught up in the wind and fell to the ground where he rolled twenty times then fell down a huge cliff to the rocks below. The rocks tore him into six different peices. An alligator grabbed the head part of Harry Potter and chewed it up. It then later crapped and the piece of poop floated down the river where it got stuck on a downed log, a wolf came by and gobbled the poop down and ran away. The wolf then pooped in the woods where a hunter later stepped in it.

" Gross ! " The hunter said, whiping the poop from his shoe. Little did he know, he had just whiped off The-Chosen-One. He threw the tissue in a nearby bush. A bird swooped down and grabbed the tissue and flew off with it. He used the tissue as a nest for his family. Thirty years later, the son of this bird had passed down this nest to his own kids. This would be The-Nest-That-Was-Chosen. A family bird war broke out over the ownership of this nest until the nest itself was burned during Bird War 2.

In the ashes on The-Chosen-Nest, an ant found the only remaining speck of bone left inside the bits of ash. The ant marvelled at the shape of it, it then took it to his own house. But soon, during his going away celebration, the great wizard ant discovered the bone fragment on the original ant, he then ordered the ant to travel to mount destroy and throw the fragment in it. Thus started a long journey with his fellows.

**The End. **

**NICE TRY READER. TURN BACK TO PAGE 23 AND TRY ANOTHER CHOICE ! **

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To be continued….


	4. Luna is high

**Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - A Parody - **

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_Chapter 4 - _Luna is high-

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**WHEN WE LAST FOUND SOMETHING, SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED…..**

Harry Potter used his special invisibility cloak he stole from Weasley Wizard Wheezes. He climbed up on Draco's luggage, stepping on Blaise as he did. He then moved stuff around over obviously while Draco looked on. Draco just shook his head in bewilderment. Blaise and Pansy left the car. Draco stood up quickly with his wand ready.

" Petrificus Totalus ! " Suddenly Harry appeared and fell to the floor. Draco gave The-boy-who-can't-handle-a-kick-in-the-face a kick in the face, bloodying his nose and causing The-boy-who-easily-passes-out-from-a-kick-in-the-face to pass out. He then draped the invisibility cloak over Harry before he left.

Luna Lovegood hummed to herself as she skipped down the aisle of the train, she stopped for a moment, cocked her head, giggled, then continued to skip and hum again. She stopped again as she saw the shades drawn on one of the cars. She took out a small eraser and rubbed out the drawing of the shade. She then skipped down to the next car and saw another shade drawn. She realised the shade was real and entered the car. She raised her wand and pointed it towards the seemingly empty car floor. She shot a bright red laser at the floor. ZAP !

Harry screamed as his back was engulfed in flames.

" What the bloody hell ? ARGG ! " He rolled around the floor trying to extinguish the flames. He they grew brighter the more he rolled, the bright flames flickered in the eyes of Luna Lovegood as a slow, evil grin appeared on her lips while Harry continued to scream…

" Flameouta Herus ! " Luna finally extinguished the flames with her wand. Harry stood up completely naked with burn marks all over his body.

They walked off the train to the front steps of the gleaming castle. They walked around in circles for awhile.

" Sorry I made you miss the carriages, Luna." Harry apologised with blood splattered all over his face and his nose pointing sharply to the right.

" It's alright. I enjoyed our walk, it was like being with a friend. " She smiled with a distant look in her eyes.

" It was nothing like that. " Harry scowled.

" That's nice." Luna said distantly while she batted away a huge fly that wasn't really there.

Professor Flitwick approached carrying a long roll of paper.

" Names." He called out.

" Professor Flitwick, you've known me for five…." Harry was slapped hard by the Professor of slapping hard.

" What is your major malfunction, numbnuts ? Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child ? " Flitwick screamed in Harry's face.

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**Meanwhile, several yards behind Harry Potter…..**

" It's not a cane, you cretin. It's a walking stick." Draco scoffed at the security.

" And what exactly would you be wanting with a walking stick ? " Filch grilled the guy named Draco.

" I use it to counter-balance my running, you jerk. I use it to walk ….." Draco was pushed aside by Snape.

" It was his fathers cane. " Snape announced, causing Filch to Flinch. Draco gave Snape a dirty look.

Snape's cell phone suddenly rang to the tune of Katy Perry's _California Girls. _

" One moment. " Snape raised a finger then answered the cell phone.

**-VIEWER'S DISCRETION IS ADVISED - **

Snape nodded as he listened in on a conversation , " Touching cowboy, touching. Or should I call you Mister McLane ? Mister officer John McLane of the NYPD. "

" Sister Teresa in third grade called me Mr. McLane. My friends call me John Mac. You're neither...shithead. " John McLane responded.

" I have someone who wants to talk to you. A very special friend who was at the party with you tonight. " Snape dragged Draco over to the cell phone.

" All right...John, listen to me... They want you to tell them where the detonators are. They know people are listening. They want the detonators or they're going to kill me. John, didn't you hear me? " Draco smirked.

" Yeah, I hear you, you fucking moron! " McLane scowled. Then the line went dead.

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Draco walked by Potter, " Nice face, Potter. Nice ass too. "

Harry felt his dramatically bent nose. Luna noticed this and offered help.

" I like French toast. " She sang with her singing like voice.

" Could you fix this thing ? " Harry snorted. She looked him up and down.

" Which thing ? " Luna asked followed by a five minute laugh track, the laugh track startled her.

" Oh, " Harry realised, " I forgot my nudity. "

**- VIEWER'S DISCRETION IS ADVISED - **

" Did you hear that deep voice saying _viewer's discretion is advised _? " Luna asked, looking around.

She whipped out her wand and fixed Harry's nose after he put his clothes back on with censor blocks over his nude parts. But the censor blocks were too late now, he was clothed. The block remained near his groin.

* * *

**AFTER SEVERAL ANNOYING MOMENTS ….THE NARRATOR PLACED THE**** DVD PLAYER BACK ON THE SHELF, HIS DOG HAD RUN BY AND PULLED THE DAMN THING RIGHT OFF OF THE SHELF….LET'S CONTINUE…**

" I just Apparted , didn't I ? " Harry said as the DVD came back on.

" Indeed, and quite successfully I might add, most people vomit the first time. " Dumbledore was pleased to see Harry Potter not vomiting all over him.

**AFTER REALISING HE HAD SKIPPED BACK TOO FAR, THE NARRATOR HAD SKIPPED AHEAD A FEW CHAPTERS…**

" Sir….are you _praying_ ? " Harry asked his lover, I mean mentor.

" No, Harry. I do not believe in god. I was merely closing a window. The one that remained open causing my wizardly nipples to chafe against this thick fabric…" Dumbledore was cut off by the narrator.

**THE NARRATOR CURSED AS HE FUMBLED WITH THE REMOTE, HE THEN PRESSED A MYSERIOUS NEW BLUE BUTTON NEAR THE TOP OF THE REMOTE THINKING THIS MIGHT SNAP THE STORY BACK TO WHERE IT LEFT OFF…..**

" That is one big pile of shit. " Malcolm said as he watched Ellie pull her hands out of the giant Dinosaur dung, without gloves on. Malcolm noticed this and winced.

" You're right. There's no trace of lilac berries. That's so weird, though. She shows all the classic signs of Meliatoxicity, " She started chewing her nails as she was deep in thought, Malcolm threw up.

**THE NARRATOR STARED AT HIS REMOTE WONDERING HOW THE HELL THE ENTIRE STORY HAD CHANGED COMPLETELY. HE PRESSED THE SWAP BUTTON THEN PRESSED THE LEFT ARROWS BUTTON…..**

alles klar kinder?

ay ay käpt 'n

geht das nicht lauter?

ay ay käpt 'n!

ohhhh...wer wohnt inner ananas ganz tief im meer?

spongebob schwammkop

fist saugstark und gelb und porös und zwar sehr?

spongebob schwammkop

fwenn der sinn nach pazifischem blödsinn euch steht:

spongebob schwammkop

fschwingt euch an deck und kommt ja nicht zu spät!und jetzt alle:

spongebob schwammkop

spongebob schwammkop

spongebob schwammkop

spongebooob schwammkoooooopf !

**THE NARRATOR THEN DESTROYED HIS REMOTE ON THE TABLE. **

* * *

_To be continued…_


	5. Dumbledore and his huge speech

**Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - A Parody - **

* * *

_Chapter 5_ -**Dumbledore and his huge speech **-

* * *

37 Minutes later in the _Not Bad Hall _….

Hermione leaned back, she looked over the heads of hundreds of kids, looking for Harry Potter. Ron Weasley had his entire face inside a bowl of dark brown pudding, now with 14% less fat !

" Don y'slurpy.. Heslurpy slurping slurp. Slurp. " Ron tried to assure her, as he slurped on his pudding.

" Will…you…please…stop…" Hermione slapped Ron in the head after every word, "…eating…while…Harry…Potter…is…still…missing…from…the…train! When…did…we…see…him…last? Didn't…he…say…he…needed…some…air…or…something….like…that ? "

Ron didn't respond, he was passed out from the repeated blows to the head.

Hermione chewed on her nails. _I'm so worried for Harry Potter. My Aunty Franko used to tell me to spin around when I was stressed out. _Hermione spun around to see Harry Potter entering the Not Bad Hall with Luna. He had a star shaped blood splatter right in the center of his face starting at his nose, plus a censor block covering his clothed genitals.

" He's covered in blood again. Why is he always covered in blood ? " Ginny asked.

" Because. " Ron explained to her, it all made sense to her suddenly.

" _Because_. Why didn't I think of that ! " Ginny slapped her own face, quite hard. She fell on the floor.

Harry Potter joined his friends, still with the gross blood splatter all over his face. He thought maybe he looked tough with the crusty, pimple covered face.

" Where have you _been_ ? What happened to your face ? " Hermione asked while inspecting Harry's face more closely. He pushed her away rudely.

" Later, what is going on ? " Harry asked while doing nothing special.

" Sorting Hat….CRUNCH ! Told…Slurp! … us to not worry about the troubled times ahead….easy for a hat to say…BURP !…its just…slurp!… a hat ! First years seemed to enjoy it though. Wankers. "

" The term _wanker_ originated from British slang in the 1940's. Wanker in the true term means - one who masturbates. - I think you calling the First Years, _masturbators_ is a bit rash, plus a bit beyond the acceptable limits to The Harry Potter Universe. I think you should fuckin' apologise, and apologise _now_. " Harry was standing now, red faced. Ron was too into his eating to see who was talking to him.

After a moment of settling the hell down, Harry sat back down. Ginny took a napkin and spit on it, but the spit didn't land on the napkin immediately, it hung from her mouth for a moment, in a long string, before slopping down in its destination. She dabbed Harry's blood stained face, sickening him.

" That is just disgusting. " Harry mumbled, pulling long strings of spit off of his face.

* * *

**Suddenly…**

The lights dimmed, then dimmed some more.

" Ladies and gentlemen, from Hogwarts, weighing in at 158 Pounds…" An announcer announced.

Music blared followed by fireworks …_I was caught ! In the middle of a railroad track ! __**THUNDER ! **__I looked 'round ! And I knew there was no turning back! __**THUNDER ! **_

" He is the Hogwarts Heavyweight Champion ! DUMBLEDORE ! "

Dumbledore whipped open the curtains to a wild applause from the hundreds of kids in the hall. He pointed as he walked down the aisle towards the stage. More fireworks and AC/DC exploded around the hall.

_My mind raced ! And I thought, what could I do ? __**THUNDER ! **_

Dumbledore jumped up on the stage and ripped open his _DUMBLEDOREMANIA _tank top.

" What is up, many friends ? How about a big hand for our new staff member, Professor HORACE SLUGHORN ! " The old wizard screamed. Everyone went crazy, cheering wildly. 27 were injured, 3 died.

" The post of Defence Against The Dark Arts will be taken, by none other than Professor Snape ! Snape ! " This announcement was followed by complete silence.

" Yea ! " Snape cheered next to a kid holding up a huge sign that read - _THE GUY BEHIND ME CAN'T SEE_ -

" Now, " Dumbledore calmed down a bit as he seemed a little depressed suddenly, but I think he overdid it , " as you know, each and every one of you were searched upon your arrival here. Let's watch the footage. " The old wizard waved his hand and turned around to watch the huge screen behind him.

The screen showed Ron Weasley walking up to the security check. He was eating an apple pie with one hand while holding a blueberry pie in the other. A brute Auror slapped both pies away violently and ripped off Ron's shirt to check him. Ron wailed, close up to the camera, he called for his mommy.

The entire hall erupted in laughter, a tear rolled down Ron's cheek, the spicy wing he chewed on was a little too spicy.

" Once there was a young man, named Tom Riddle. To keep a long story short, he is bad, the only hope is you. Because you are good. " Dumbledore's long speeches were as boring as ever. 4 injured while sleeping.

Harry looked over to Draco, who was levitating a fork. He levitated the fork too sharply and jabbed himself in the eye. 1 injured.

" Just something to keep in mind. I would also like to announce quickly that I now have over 1000 friends on Facebook. " He only got mild applause.

" Now go to bed, or die. "

Everyone stood up and parted ways. Ron stood up too. Good for him.

* * *

**Hours Later ….. **

Ron and Harry giggled in their room. They were up way past their bedtime. Harry held up his hand to shush Ron as he had the phone receiver in the other. He waited until the person on the other end of the line picked up.

" Who would _dare_ call me at this hour ? " Snape answered with complete distain.

" Sir Snape ! " Harry made a growling voice.

" Who _is_ this ? " Snape inquired.

" This is Henry Problem from the Hogwart's Telecommunications Department. We would appreciate your cooperation in this survey if you would. " Harry covered Ron's mouth as he began laughing loudly. " And we apologise if we caught you in this late hour."

" On with it then. " Snape sighed.

" Are you experiencing any problems with your telephone lately ? " Henry Problem asked.

" Like what ? "

" For example, has, at any time, a loud noise interrupted your service ? " Henry Problem's voice caught, but he hung in there.

" No, not that I…."

" ! " Henry screamed.

" Now that you mention it…"

" Has, at any time, your phone made obscene gestures at you ? " Henry asked, Ron had his head buried under a pillow.

" Not lately. "

" It hasn't given you the finger ? Made rude remarks as you changed ? " Henry caught himself from laughing.

" Now that you mention it, it did _touch _me in a place I didn't appreciate. " Snape made his voice quivery.

" During this time….HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ! " Henry couldn't hold his laughter in anymore.

" Listen, this may seem really fun to you, Harry Potter. I was young once and made a prank call to my professor too. But we didn't have caller I.D back then. " The line went dead.

Harry gave Ron a worried look.

* * *

_To be continued….._


	6. The Book ?

**Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince - A Parody - **

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 6 -The Book -**

**

* * *

**

Chaos, utter chaos, that's the only way to describe the limbs flailing about, the noise of chatter, hundreds of students piling their way down the halls towards the day's first class. Let's zoom in on the poor Professor McGonagall as he's uselessly giving directions to the kids. Wait, we lost him, zoom back. Uhhhhhh. Hold on here, wait. Ummm. There he is ! Zoom in on him quick before we lose him again.

" History of magic is up, not down ! Mr. Davies, no peeing in the hall ! " The stressed out professor eyed Harry and Ron sitting on a ledge, clearly enjoying themselves.

" POTTER ! " The stressed out professor screamed.

Harry Potter stopped smiling as he eyed the professor beckoning him with his finger.

" This can't be good. " Harry mumbled as he slid from the ledge.

" You have no choice, " The professor loomed over the small boy, who would be chosen, " report to Slughorn at once, and don't ask any questions! Take that loser Ron with you too, I HATE HIM ! "

" But ..." SLAP ! Harry was slapped hard by the older man, the poor boy fell and was nearly trampled by the passing herd of students.

* * *

**Inside Slughorns's classroom ... **

Harry and Ron stumbled in the door giggling like little girls. Everyone turned and stared at them. There was a moment of awkward silence that followed, the two boys stood there, taking in the silence with a blank expression on their faces.

The silence continued...

More silence...

* * *

**1 Hour Later, still inside Slughorn's classroom ...**

" Harry m'boy ! I was beginning to worry. I see you've brought a little girl with you today. " Slughorn beamed.

" Ron Weasley, sir. I'm a boy. I'm not very good at potions, horrible really. So I'll be going..." Ron made his way to the door, quickly.

Nobody stopped him, Slughorn just shrugged. He waved his hands and announced for the class to - _take out your books _- whatever the hell that means. Screw him !

" Cough, I'm sorry Professor, I don't have a book, until this morning..."

" Harry, did you just say - _cough_ - ? " Slughorn smiled.

" Sir, I..."

" Never mind, get what you need from the cupboard. " Slughorn turned and helped a young Spanish kid.

Harry turned and eyed the old cupboard a few feet away. _I'll have to walk there I guess. _He walked to the cupboard. He searched and searched until he found what he was looking for. He took his seat near Hermione.

" ...love potion can have the..." Slughorn winced at a loud crunching noise, " ...the

same effects of the..." CRUNCH, " ...effects they had before..." CRUNCH, SLURP , CRUNCH CRUNCH CHEW , CHEW CRUNCH CH-CH-CH-CH-CHEW ! " ...they were, what was I saying ? Who's eating anyhow ? "

Harry raised his hand.

" What is that ? " Slughorn angrily pointed at Harry.

" A bowl of _Lucky Charms_. You said I could get what I wanted from the cupboard."

" Get a book, please. " The Professor smiled, the entire classroom laughed loudly at the-boy-who-eats-Lucky-Charms.

Harry sighed and returned to the old, scary cupboard. He searched and searched until he found a really old text book. He grabbed it and returned to his desk. He started to flip through the book, not paying any attention to the important lessons being taught by the underpaid Professor Slughorn. Each page had some really wild sketches all around the borders of the page.

" That doesn't sound so bad. " Ron whispered in the seat next to Harry. Somehow he returned without the knowledge of the entire classroom. But nobody cared ! Poor Ron !

Harry takes out a large hunting knife out of his robe, who gave this knife to this kid ? What the hell is he doing walking around with this huge knife in school ? DAMMIT ! I WANT ANSWERS !

Ron tried to cut his bean, but it shot out across the classroom and punctured the back of a girls head, she died two days later.

Harry found secret instructions to crush the bean on the edge of the page. Draco sliced his finger off, he screamed but nobody seemed to notice. Herminone scalded her face somehow. Ron was fast asleep on his desk. Professor Slughorn was half a mile away in the teachers lounge, telling everyone else how much his students sucked.

* * *

**8 Hours later ...**

The chapter ended abruptly.

" That was odd. " Harry said, shaking his head.

" What is ? " Ron asked him, moving closer.

" The chapter, it just..." Sniffle , " it just ended. Like that. " Harry snapped his fingers as a tear rolled down his cheek.

" Don't worry, ol'boy. " Ron choked as he put his arm around Harry.

" We were (sob) just getting to the (sob) good parts too. " Harry was on the verge of wailing now.

" Shh, shh ,there there, my friend. " Ron held his finger to Harry's mouth.

" Don't you worry about it Harry , " Ron whispered , " it will continue. I promise you that. I promise. " Ron turned Harry's chin towards his face and removed his glasses.

" Thanks, you really are my...SMURFFIN ...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RON ? " Harry wiped the saliva from his mouth. Ron took a step back, red faced.

" Sorry Harry. I tripped. " Ron stammered.

" Tripped ? With your tongue out ? You're a bleeding pervert is what you are ! "

* * *

Thankfully, the author ended the chapter...


End file.
